Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Rough Day
I wrote this entry last night but didn't post it.
It is 10 p.m. and the boy is awake, as he has been for a good portion of the time since about 2 this afternoon. I feel like an utter failure as a mother, I fear the repercussions of having a child who doesn’t know how to sleep, and I’m so tired I want to curl up in a ball in the corner and go to sleep like Rumplestiltskin.
As an example, this morning we ate at 9, had a nap at 10, woke up at 10:45 to hopefully go to the library. Here is what Jack had to say about that:
So I put him in the bouncy seat. Here is how he felt about that idea:
Hmm.
If you’re here for the pictures and the happy talk about motherhood, I would stop reading now. Neither occur in the commentary below.
This afternoon I spent trying to get him to take a nap longer than 30 minutes. He would sleep, wake up, still be tired, be mad about being tired, but unable to go back to sleep. This cycle repeated itself all day long. I am so overwhelmed by the screaming I can’t even function like a normal human.
I realized tonight that if I had a job and dumped him off at day care every day he would at least be on a schedule and I wouldn’t listen to him scream constantly. I am 100% against day care, but right now it’s looking like a beautiful option. My patience is so thin I can’t think straight.
And to top it off, the New York Times ran an article this weekend talking about how self-centered and narcissistic baby-bloggers are and how they are going to ruin their children’s future dating prospects. It basically accused us of blogging because we are lonely and used to being the center of attention. Well, I have news for you. Raising an infant IS lonely – there is no escaping it. As far as being the center of attention. Ha! Right now everyone in the household – dogs, baby, husband, gardener, plants – are closer to the center of attention than I am. I’m like the janitor. No one really sees me anymore, but I do all the dirty work.
I think he fell asleep. Yes, I just checked, he’s asleep. 10:18 p.m. This is hardly an appropriate bedtime for an infant.
He wasn’t this angry when I let him sleep where he wanted all the time. But then again he woke up all night long. You just can’t win, can you?
And Kim is doing this with a 3 year old as well and no family to help her out. Anne has been doing it alone for 11 years (and 3 kids!). This, among other things, makes me wonder if I’m really cut out for this whole thing. I have babysitters lined up at my doorstep, a mother who will clean up for me all I want, and I still can barely keep my head above water.
And the thing is, I don’t feel any anger or animosity towards the little guy. I just want to make it better for him and I want him to feel happy and rested. (the dogs, on the other hand? I don’t feel so much benevolence towards their barking, drooling selves). I know he needs to sleep, I know he is happier when he does, I just can’t seem to make it happen.
To my friend in crisis: I'm sorry our house was not more peaceful during your time of need. Between the dogs and the baby I doubt you got to relax as you had hoped by coming over here.
It is 10 p.m. and the boy is awake, as he has been for a good portion of the time since about 2 this afternoon. I feel like an utter failure as a mother, I fear the repercussions of having a child who doesn’t know how to sleep, and I’m so tired I want to curl up in a ball in the corner and go to sleep like Rumplestiltskin.
As an example, this morning we ate at 9, had a nap at 10, woke up at 10:45 to hopefully go to the library. Here is what Jack had to say about that:
So I put him in the bouncy seat. Here is how he felt about that idea:
Hmm.
If you’re here for the pictures and the happy talk about motherhood, I would stop reading now. Neither occur in the commentary below.
This afternoon I spent trying to get him to take a nap longer than 30 minutes. He would sleep, wake up, still be tired, be mad about being tired, but unable to go back to sleep. This cycle repeated itself all day long. I am so overwhelmed by the screaming I can’t even function like a normal human.
I realized tonight that if I had a job and dumped him off at day care every day he would at least be on a schedule and I wouldn’t listen to him scream constantly. I am 100% against day care, but right now it’s looking like a beautiful option. My patience is so thin I can’t think straight.
And to top it off, the New York Times ran an article this weekend talking about how self-centered and narcissistic baby-bloggers are and how they are going to ruin their children’s future dating prospects. It basically accused us of blogging because we are lonely and used to being the center of attention. Well, I have news for you. Raising an infant IS lonely – there is no escaping it. As far as being the center of attention. Ha! Right now everyone in the household – dogs, baby, husband, gardener, plants – are closer to the center of attention than I am. I’m like the janitor. No one really sees me anymore, but I do all the dirty work.
I think he fell asleep. Yes, I just checked, he’s asleep. 10:18 p.m. This is hardly an appropriate bedtime for an infant.
He wasn’t this angry when I let him sleep where he wanted all the time. But then again he woke up all night long. You just can’t win, can you?
And Kim is doing this with a 3 year old as well and no family to help her out. Anne has been doing it alone for 11 years (and 3 kids!). This, among other things, makes me wonder if I’m really cut out for this whole thing. I have babysitters lined up at my doorstep, a mother who will clean up for me all I want, and I still can barely keep my head above water.
And the thing is, I don’t feel any anger or animosity towards the little guy. I just want to make it better for him and I want him to feel happy and rested. (the dogs, on the other hand? I don’t feel so much benevolence towards their barking, drooling selves). I know he needs to sleep, I know he is happier when he does, I just can’t seem to make it happen.
To my friend in crisis: I'm sorry our house was not more peaceful during your time of need. Between the dogs and the baby I doubt you got to relax as you had hoped by coming over here.
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Here's news for you, from an impartial outside viewpoint: the part where the baby screams all day, and you still don't get mad at him? That makes you a good mother. The part where he screams all day and keeps you up all night and you get furious at him (unless you're a saint, it will probably eventually happen) but you don't act angry when you're with him? That makes you an even better mother.
My opinion on day care is as follows: some mothers go nuts when separated from their children for too long. Some mothers go nuts when with their children / away from other adults all day. I have a strong suspicion that it's good for a child to have a (relatively) sane mother, whichever way she achieves that.
Paula
http://riseagain.net/dichroic
My opinion on day care is as follows: some mothers go nuts when separated from their children for too long. Some mothers go nuts when with their children / away from other adults all day. I have a strong suspicion that it's good for a child to have a (relatively) sane mother, whichever way she achieves that.
Paula
http://riseagain.net/dichroic
# posted by 
: 11:42 AM
: 11:42 AM
Thanks Paula. It's a better day today, he seems calmer for some reason.
I considered not posting this because it makes me look a little crazy, but I thought it was important for all those people out there who are reading and either trying to get pregnant or considering it.
Sometimes motherhood isn't all sunshine and sippy cups, you know? Sometimes I do feel crazy, like I want to run off to Barbados and sell hats on the street.
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I considered not posting this because it makes me look a little crazy, but I thought it was important for all those people out there who are reading and either trying to get pregnant or considering it.
Sometimes motherhood isn't all sunshine and sippy cups, you know? Sometimes I do feel crazy, like I want to run off to Barbados and sell hats on the street.
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